Durnk

I'm kinda drunk.. and I like vodka.. vodka is good.. vodka makes me forget bad things.. It also makes me more sociable.. and talk to old friends that I haven't seen in years.. random..

So I'm soaked.. I knew I had to walk home with no coat.. in the pouring rain.. but I wasn't counting on walking up and down the lane of the pub with an old friend so she could get a taxi. Girls are shit.. female friends that is.. they just leave you high and dry without a thought of how you're going to get home. They just care about themselves. This is why I have more male friends. They're so simple.. They may not care more for you, but at least they're not as complicated. They'll give it to you straight. They don't bullshit you. I kinda appreciate that. Even though they're emotionally retarded.. but it's a small price to pay.

Anywho.. I've decided that I need to work out everyday. Coz if I don't I get crazy.. like I did below.. I made the mistake of being lazy yesterday and I paid big time. I need that time to work out my anger and emotions. I have a lot of anger these days.. It's kind of surprising considering I'm such an easy-going person. It's weird coz I'll be really angry during the day and then at night I'll be really emotional. I think I'm biolar..

Right anyway, I need to get to bed coz I need to be up at 9 to look after my niece. This should be interesting..

I wish..

I wish I could sleep
I wish I could stop thinking about you
I wish I didn't hate you so much
I wish I didn't love you more
I wish things could go back to the way they were
I wish the last month or two didn't happen
I wish I had someone to talk to
I wish that I could stop feeling
I wish you cared
I wish you never met whoever it was that changed you
I wish I never left
I wish I knew what happened
I wish you'd talk to me
I wish I could see you
I wish I could change your mind
I wish I could forget
I wish I didn't give up everything for you
I wish I had something to hold on to
I wish my life wasn't in pieces
I wish I'd never met you..
yet I'd give anything to have you back.

Annoyance

I'm going to stab my mother in the face if she doesn't stop annoying me..

Why did I come home again?

All is not fair in love and war

So I was having a wee think last night at 5 in the morning as I'm staring at the ceiling unable to sleep, and I realised I'm totally getting shafted. I don't think it's fair that you get to know everything that's happening with me and I get nothing. This is a two way street missy. Give and take. My door is always open if you want to talk, but if not I'll wait patiently til you do.

*Twitch*

I really wish my left eye would stop twitching, it's annoying the shit out of me. It's been a week and a half and it's STILL doing it. I know it's from exhaustion, you don't need to keep reminding me! And I would love to sleep but I just can't, ok?! Gaaah.. I'm sure the bad dreams aren't helping any. They're pretty fucked up. Well.. last nights was. The first one just made me really angry but you know, considering the content that's understandable. *sigh* I wish I could just turn my brain off. It would make me a lot happier. I just can't stop thinking about her.. especially the last couple of days. It's driving me insane. I think it's coz my mum's away though and I'm in the house by myself. Not that I've seen her since I got back, but at least I knew she was here.

*gets distracted*

Lol apparently it's bad luck if your left eye twitches. GREAT! Coz my luck has been just wonderful of late. Maybe I'll break my leg or something.. that would just be the cherry on top of my shit heap of a life. Oh it's an asian myth! Even better! Omg there's actually a website called twitchingeyelids.com... wtf?

"A twitch in the lower left eyelid means you can expect to cry soon." - Been there, done that
"There’s yet another one that claims a twitching eyelid means someone is gossiping about you." - Probably
"If you generally wear ninja costumes your twitching will be even more mysterious." - Oh all the time!

Anyway.. Why is it only when you're depressed that almost all the songs you hear actually have personal meaning to you? Or you'll be sitting thinking of something and the next thing you know you have some cheesey love song playing in your head that just perfectly fits your situation. Or so you think.. Well the one in my head does anyway. It's been there for a couple of days. I randomly catch myself singing it and want to punch myself in the head. I need to start listening to background music again.. Something happy and uptempo. Or I could just play the DS more.. that works too.

Well lookie here

I spy with my little eye, something beginning with C..

Trusting

I told the witch doctor I was in love with you (dum dum dum dum) and then the witch doctor she told me what to do.. no really.. she did.

So I did something unusual today. I trusted someone with delicate personal information. Now I don't trust easily, not til I really get to know someone, but there's something about this woman.. She has this aura.. you just know she's a good person.. and I do. I trust her completely. She makes me feel good. She makes me feel at ease. I know she won't judge me and she'll give me good, honest, helpful advice. She's helped me a lot.. Especially over the last few weeks. My last session I was a mess. My gf has just broken up with me and I was a complete wreck. I didn't tell her anything, but she just knew. She knows everything.. I swear she's magic. She knew exactly how I was feeling and everything that had happened. This session she didn't say much, but afterwards I needed to ask her a few questions and ask her advice on something, and it turned into a really nice talk. She obviously knew there was more to what I had come up the previous session, so she pretty much just asked me outright if it was a girl or a boy I was talking about and if it was a friendship or a sexual relationship. Now usually I wouldn't feel comfortable talking about that kind of stuff, but I took a chance and trusted her, and she really helped clarify the situation. I told her what I was thinking and asked her advice, and she put some stuff into perpective for me, and asked me to try something which I've started today. She'd mentioned it before but I never really paid much attention to it, but the woman knows what she's talking about so I decided to give it a try this time. Time will tell if it works. Fingers crossed it does and things don't turn out like I fear..

Home shit home

Why did I come home so early? Or rather why did things only get fun when I was leaving? I should be out right now getting drunk and having fun, but instead I'm at home sitting in front of my computer. *sigh*.. The monotony has begun..

Monday night was one of the best nights out I've had. It started off nice and slow with dinner with my boys at 7.30pm, then none stop solid drinking til 9.30am when I had to leave for the boat. I was quite drunk. In fact I don't remember packing up the last of my stuff before I left. I was convinced I left half my computer cables behind, but thankfully they were all there when I checked today (cept my usb drive grrr). I've fallen in love with a new gay guy, who I've been out with before but never really talked to, and my old reliable boy was actually quite sweet which is completely shocking. He sat with his arm around me the whole time we were in a friends house, aawww! And to top it all off, he full on shouted at our annoying french roommate (who is completely in love with him) for disturbing our karaoke session and then when I left, him and another friend slept in my bed coz they missed me so much, bless!

Travelling was not so fun. I was quite drunk when I got in the car, and pretty much slept the whole way to Stranraer until my parents forced me into a cafe for a cup of tea. Ugh.. I wasn't feeling the best getting onto the boat, got about half way through a bowl of soup until we got out of the port and then.. uggghh.. it was rough.. it would have made me sick on a good day.. so I spent the rest of the journey in the toilets just in case I chundered everywhere. Which i didn't.. thankfully.. until I got home anyway.. I literally got straight out of the car and into the toilet. It was not pretty. It is easily my worst vomiting experience *boke*. So I just went straight to bed and didn't surface again for another 20hrs. Nice. Though I'm kinda pissed I missed the inauguration :( oh well..

Going home

So once again my life is packed away into boxes, except this time I'm not going somewhere I particularly want to go. Home is nice in small doses, but ever since I left home for university, I've never really felt comfortable there. It's constricting. I'm no longer independent and there is no such thing as privacy. I have nowhere to go to be by myself and I won't have my friends to distract me from how shit my lifes become. It's going to be difficult.. then again everything in my life has been difficult lately so why should this be any different? I don't want to leave.. but I know I can't stay.. I know I can always come back and visit, but it's just never going to be the same.. *sigh*

Weird

Men smell nice. Theres something about lynx and aftershave that I really like. And their strength.. Although I'd forgotten how pushy men are. And how they don't like to take no for an answer. I don't like that. No means no. When I push you away that means I don't want you. When I put my head down when you try to kiss me, that means I don't want it. When you try and pin me down and I push your chest, that means no. When you ask to come in to my room and I say no, that means I don't want you there.. Even if you offer to stay fully clothed, I know you're still going to touch me and try to kiss me.. I don't want that.. That's why I said no in the first place. You are very far from the person that I want in my bed. For a start you are the wrong sex, not to mention many other things. Do not give me a sob story to make things harder for me, I'm still going to say no. Fuck sake.. It's been a while since a guy has actually been interested in me though. I'd forgotten that someone might actually find me attractive. But I don't want it.. The more he tried, the more I thought about her. And the harder he tried, the more I felt.. the more upset I got.. I've managed to numb out my feelings, but the more he brought them back.. I don't want to feel. I don't want to think about her.. it just makes things harder..

Out for the count

How did I pass out on my floor? I didn't think I was that drunk.. fuck.. I probably should have eaten.. And now I've woken up, everyone has left and this kung pao chicken is burning the shit out of my oesophagus.. since when has kung pao chicken been so spicy?.. shit.. And where the fuck are all my friends? The Union let out almost an hour ago..

I just don't know what to do with myself

(excuse the video, but the actual music video is so despicably bad I couldn't post it. It takes away from the song)

Wow I'm actually updating my blog! I think this is the most I've updated it ever lol. But I'm so umbelievably bored since I no longer have anything to do and it's exam time so no one can go out. So lets just update you on what's been happening.

If you couldn't tell from the last few posts, my gf dumped me.. for no good reason.. so for the past week I've been pretty devastated. Two and a half years of my life, gone. It's been really hard to accept.. to understand.. coz I really don't understand it.. how or why.. She also doesn't want to talk to me at all right now so it's been really difficult. Especially since it's all I can think about. It really hurts.. I don't know the person she's become. The last few conversations we had in between her dumping me and telling me she needs 'space', I didn't recognise her. And I don't quite know if she's being a bitch to try and make this easier on me, or if that's actually who she's become. I guess I'll never know.. [since in the two months she didn't talk to me coz she was 'busy', she decided she didn't want to talk to me, doesn't trust me, and doesn't want to me with me anymore, so I'm sure in this 'space' she'll decide she doesn't love me and doesn't want to see or hear from me ever again. It's sad.. It's also making my head spin and giving me the usual migraine so I need to stop thinking about it.]

I've also officially quit school and am going back home to live with the parentals. Not my ideal situation but with all the shit I have going on at the moment I really need my family's support and I just don't have that here. It's the best thing for me right now. I'm not looking forward to leaving here, leaving my friends and my independence behind, and I'm definitely not looking forward to actually being at home, but it's something that I have to do to heal. I need to put myself first for once and think about what I need rather than what I want. And this time I have nothing to do, nothing to look forward to, and nothing to work towards. It'll be interesting.. we'll see how it goes..

I'm holding on

I'll give you your space but I'm not giving up

Down the shitter

Bubye life..