Good, ja.

I really love this song, it's so pretty and yet so sad. They played this and 'Look After You' right after each other at their concert on Monday and I seriously almost cried. I actually had to choke back tears. I haven't really listened to their new album that much coz it depressed me and I wasn't in the best place. I've only really listened to it a couple of times while I've been doing something else, so I've never really listened to the lyrics. But as I looked up at this amazingly good looking man singing this song right in front of me, the meaning of the song suddenly hit me. But you know, I was fine.. until they started playing 'Look After You' and then I completely lost it. It took til the second verse to compose myself. But anyway, they were awesome.

Their supporting act was pretty good too. I've never heard of him before but he really amused me coz he looks like a chubby version of a dude I know from uni, and for a good few minutes I actually thought he was a lesbian lol. He had his glasses on and his face was partially obscured by the mic so I was a bit 'Is that a girl or a dude...?' But then he said his name so that kind of answered that question. So yeah, Brett Dennen, not bad.

Untitled

Go walking! That's what to do!

Ahhh UTV..

So I realised something today that kind of worried me. I've been unhappy for a long time- that's nothing new - but I've gotten so used to it that it's actually become the norm. My 'calm and content'. That is bad.. It's been so long since I've been happy that I've forgotten what it feels like. I was trying to think of something that would make me happy this afternoon, and I came up with nothing. Well.. there was one thing, but that's not going to happen. It's a delusion.. the fantasy I play out in my head to make myself feel better when I'm trying to get to sleep. It makes for interesting dreams though.

I'm sure it didn't help that one of the first things I did today was watch 'Hunger.' That would make anyone angry and depressed. Well, not anyone... decent folk. Then I went for a drive to try and cure myself of 'The Fear' since I discovered last week that due to my lack of confidence and overall self doubt, that I've completely forgotten how to drive. I also hate my car. The clutch is disgusting and the gear stick tries to escape when you put it in 3rd. Anyway, I was in a bad mood when I came home. I don't know why.. maybe it was that impatient knob that overtook me.. who overtakes someone on a road with speed bumps? Like seriously.. that kind of shit pisses me off. I'm unbelievably intolerant these days as it is. I'm turning into my father, it's alarming. I hate having people in my house, I have a sour bake on me all the time, I even got pissed at my mum last week for never being home knowing full well that if she was, I wouldn't have spent any time with her. I've also developed an intense hatred for a certain person. Now I used to pride myself on the fact that I've never hated anyone in my life, but I actually hate this person. In fact, I hate this person so much that I wish she would die. This is how bad of a person I've become. AND I've started calling everyone and everything bad a cunt. I never used to use that word.. It actually used to really offend me, but it's one of the first words I reach for now. God I am a despicable person..

Point? Yes.. So after a typical miserable day, I decided to get my dog out of bed to go for a walk. I don't know if it's the fresh air, the exercise, or working out my inner monologue, but walks make me feel better. Only at night though, I hate walking the dog during the day. So I'm half way round my usual route, when what to do I find on the road? A tenner, oh yeah. I NEVER find money. EVER. So this was a pleasant surprise. It's little things like that that make me realise life isn't always as shit as it seems.

To quote good old Fräulein Maria, "When the Lord closes a door, somewhere he opens a window"

Regrets

Skip to 0.40 if you don't want to listen to the talking at the start

It's funny how life turns out.. How you can spend your whole life working towards something only to see it blow up in your face. One year you can be the happiest you've ever been and the next you could be desperately struggling to drag yourself off the floor. I guess it stops you getting complacent... reminding you that nothing in life is certain or permanent, and to appreciate the things you do have coz tomorrow they may be gone.

I have many regrets. I frequently find myself saying "I wish I did this" or "If only I'd done that." I always dwell on the past instead of letting it go and moving on. It's one of my main flaws. I'm not going to lie and say I'm going to stop it coz I can't. I can try to stop doing it as much, but I can't eradicate it altogether. It's like me saying I'm going to stop worrying about things.. If you don't call me when you should or you don't come home when you usually do, I'm going to assume something horrible has happened to you and that you are lying in a ditch dying somewhere. I'm a worrier, I'm an overthinker, and I'm a complete pessimist. I'm not going to change. I'm going to beat myself up over things past, I'm going to dwell on them until something new comes and replaces it, I'm goin to worry about money, and disappointing people, and not doing the right thing. It's what I do. [I totally had a point, but I seem to have lost it somewhere in my worrying rant..]

I usually only have one or two regrets at a time, but these last few months have me overburdened, and no matter what I do, I just seem to add to them. I need someone to light a fire under my ass.. get me out of my funk. I think the problem is I have nothing to look forward to. I have a whole lot of nothing ahead of me. I need that little spark of hope.. something to work towards.. something tangible. I guess we'll see what tomorrow brings.

Weird ass dreams

The subconscious mind is a strange place.. I dreamt I was getting married to an old friend from primary school last night.. in a church.. by a priest.. which wouldn't be weird at all except for the fact I was marrying a WOMAN! It was the most awesome ceremony ever though. It was kinda informal, people were wearing costumes and had face paint on and shit, and they were coming and going as they pleased, and it was just really relaxed and cool. If I ever get married I totally want it to be like that! Anyway, we were sitting in the corner of the church in the aisle on bar stools, and everybody else was sitting in the pews, and everything was fine.. until they started the ceremony and it slowly started to dawn on me that this wasn't what I wanted. I started getting really hot and flustered, and I was trying to catch my mum's eye (who was the furthest away from me for some odd reason. They put me next to my aunt who kept telling me to stop fiddling with my collar lol wtf?!), but she wouldn't look at me! This went on for a while and I was FREAKING out. I was so fucking hot I thought I was going to pass out. And all I kept thinking was "I can't do this.. This isn't the person I want to marry... What if that person wants to marry me one day? I can't be married to her.. omg mother please look at me.. I need to get out of here!" So after my mum walks past several times, I finally lose my shit and burst out sobbing. And she was like "I think she's going to be sick" lol. Uhhh NO! I was desperate for you to get me the fuck out of there woman! Jeez..

I've dreamt about people from school a lot recently, which is kinda weird since I haven't seen them in years. I don't know if it's because of what happened recently that it's bringing up a load of people from my past.. who knows..