Go walking! That's what to do!

Ahhh UTV..

So I realised something today that kind of worried me. I've been unhappy for a long time- that's nothing new - but I've gotten so used to it that it's actually become the norm. My 'calm and content'. That is bad.. It's been so long since I've been happy that I've forgotten what it feels like. I was trying to think of something that would make me happy this afternoon, and I came up with nothing. Well.. there was one thing, but that's not going to happen. It's a delusion.. the fantasy I play out in my head to make myself feel better when I'm trying to get to sleep. It makes for interesting dreams though.

I'm sure it didn't help that one of the first things I did today was watch 'Hunger.' That would make anyone angry and depressed. Well, not anyone... decent folk. Then I went for a drive to try and cure myself of 'The Fear' since I discovered last week that due to my lack of confidence and overall self doubt, that I've completely forgotten how to drive. I also hate my car. The clutch is disgusting and the gear stick tries to escape when you put it in 3rd. Anyway, I was in a bad mood when I came home. I don't know why.. maybe it was that impatient knob that overtook me.. who overtakes someone on a road with speed bumps? Like seriously.. that kind of shit pisses me off. I'm unbelievably intolerant these days as it is. I'm turning into my father, it's alarming. I hate having people in my house, I have a sour bake on me all the time, I even got pissed at my mum last week for never being home knowing full well that if she was, I wouldn't have spent any time with her. I've also developed an intense hatred for a certain person. Now I used to pride myself on the fact that I've never hated anyone in my life, but I actually hate this person. In fact, I hate this person so much that I wish she would die. This is how bad of a person I've become. AND I've started calling everyone and everything bad a cunt. I never used to use that word.. It actually used to really offend me, but it's one of the first words I reach for now. God I am a despicable person..

Point? Yes.. So after a typical miserable day, I decided to get my dog out of bed to go for a walk. I don't know if it's the fresh air, the exercise, or working out my inner monologue, but walks make me feel better. Only at night though, I hate walking the dog during the day. So I'm half way round my usual route, when what to do I find on the road? A tenner, oh yeah. I NEVER find money. EVER. So this was a pleasant surprise. It's little things like that that make me realise life isn't always as shit as it seems.

To quote good old Fräulein Maria, "When the Lord closes a door, somewhere he opens a window"